An Experience of Futility

No this is not an experiment; I hope no one would ever consider of doing one like this. No, this is an experience in futility and unfortunately so because of the way this system is run. Being in the work environment for 36 years I've only had to use government assistance before now, only a few times - getting unemployment until I found another job. But this has been a whole different experience and a very frustrating one at that. I know there are laws and stipulations to qualify for government assistance and unfortunately, I found out I didn't qualify for a lot - and that surprised me.

I've never experienced frustration as much as this, and this journey is still ongoing. I was in a car accident on my way to work on September 28th, 2018. As I was waiting for the light to change, I was violently hit from behind starting a nightmare of denials and of pain, frustration, and futility. Being I've put in my time and given a whole lot of my money to the government you think these programs would be available for someone like me, but you would be wrong.

Initially, I applied for unemployment since I qualified, or so I thought. Being I couldn't work because of a brain injury, I found out I didn't qualify for unemployment. Strike one.
Since I didn't have any money coming in, I tried to get help from the Uncle and tried to get cash assistance, food stamps, and rent assistance. Can you guess what happened? Yeah, I was denied. Strike two. I would think my wife being on disability would be a good thing, but it wasn't. They applied her income and because of it, I was denied. I didn't give up though.

If I remember correctly, our income was over 12-14 dollars which is what didn't qualify me. So, I didn't qualify for Medicaid, so I tried for the Marketplace, you guessed it, I didn't qualify. I fell in between the infernal regions of financial assistance. So, back to the drawing board; by the way, has anyone out there gone through this?

I reapplied again, they called me and asked if there were any other bills we are paying and we did so I qualified for...wait for it...food stamps. Whomp wah. Can you guess how much? I read that the government feels that 3 dollars a day are enough to live on, but apparently, that's too much for my wife and me.
By their standards or whatever their qualification is for us, they feel we can live on a dollar a day, so times that by 2 for a month and you get our total.

Not qualifying for medical insurance, I didn't know what I was going to do. I learned that my car insurance would cover a portion of my medical bills, but that evaporated about as quickly as a drop of water in the desert. I applied for a free clinic, but again I didn't qualify for assistance, I came back and reapplied and taking in to account that additional bill we pay - I qualified but I would have to pay 20 percent, but I couldn't since I don't have money coming in - so that was a moot point.

I haven't worked for almost ten months and dealing with post-concussion syndrome, occipital neuralgia, dizziness, spasms in my face, behind my eyes, in my jaw and throat,  head pain, nerve pain in my neck, lower back, arms, hands, and drainage in my right ear, and sometimes left. Some days are worse than others with no rhyme and reason., this is a very, very frustrating experience.

Finally, I tried for financial assistance with LVHN - a hospital in Allentown and I qualified and would only have to pay 10 percent on my part. So I saw a neurologist, which he has been helpful, but as would guess, I ran into more problems. The doctor tried to get me to do some rehab for my concussion and get some shots to relieve my head pain and spasms, but FA said I didn't qualify since this has to do with my accident and so they could not treat me for those problems while my case is in litigation. Why do they make everything so hard? So, I'm back to square one again. My neurologist is trying to do all he can to see me despite FA not wanting to treat me - so I'm thankful for that.

I know you're asking yourself, why haven't you applied for disability? Can you guess? I did, but I was denied. Strike three. I've gotten a lawyer for that as well, but not sure if I will get approved the second time around, though the law firm said I would more than likely be approved. But at this point, I'm not holding my breath on anything.

I have a lawyer trying to get me a settlement from the car accident, but with all these denials, it's taking a long time to be able to see a doctor that I qualify for and then it's even taking longer because there is a long wait list. For the neurologist, I had to wait until March of this year to see him even though I tried to get an appointment last year in November. For my appointment to see about possible nerve damage in my neck, lower back and arms, I won't be able to see anyone until March of 2020! That's the earliest they could give me. So you can see why I sometimes feel this is futile. I worry about being denied the disability, I worry that it's taking so long to see doctors, I won't get the settlement I deserve, I worry because I feel I won't get the treatment I need and will suffer for the rest of my life and will have to find work and I don't know if I can really keep a job.

But you know what really frustrates me? The way this government is set up, why all the red tape, why do they make it so hard for a born citizen to qualify when I see those illegal citizens, get homes, jobs, food, money, and health care that I've worked hard for all my life and can't get, in two and threefold efforts? Talk about an experience in futility.

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

It's a popular saying from a certain commercial portraying feeble and frail people who've taken a tumble and can't get up. Fortunately for them, they have a device hanging around their necks they can conveniently press so they can get the help they need. Well, that's the metaphor of I've found myself in, but unlike them; I have no device that's a beacon of comfort, relief, or assistance of any kind.

For me, it's more like I've fallen through the cracks and have become oblivious to the outside world and the bureaucratic agencies that are supposed to lend a hand when in need. Well, I've found out they are all just an apparatus of futility and frustration.

You see, I was involved in a car accident; getting hit from behind while stopped at a red light - minding my own business trying to stay afloat in this rat race in route to work. Well, from that one incident my life has been turned upside down on a sinking ship with a small pocket of air - we all know that you only have so much oxygen left before you succumb. Well, that "pocket of air" I thought I had are these agencies that supposedly help you in your time of need. I mean, I've paid my taxes for these departments of inefficiencies - I mean of support - that you go to for such circumstances that I've found myself in. So I lose the car, lose the job, apply for unemployment since I qualify - wait, I don't qualify, I mean I did but don't anymore. You see if you get injured and can't work then you don't qualify for unemployment. So I try to get help from these other agencies, but guess what? You guess it, I don't qualify. I don't have any money coming in but because my wife who suffers from a genetic disorder gets a disability check, means I no longer qualify for assistance.

My air, it's getting thinner...gasp! Believe me, I tried everything possible that the government has for such assistance for people like me, but every turn I get denied. Denied for unemployment, denied for Medicaid, denied for the Affordable Care Act, denied for Cash Assistance and denied for EBT(food stamps). Well, I was able to get some EBT  and I say some since it's barely enough for a week and it's supposed to be for a month. I had to go show them that they themselves denied my unemployment, but only after calling them three times and going to their office twice - so efficient they are...insert sarcasm.

My pocket of air is shrinking every day and like I've said I've fallen but can't get up; not because I'm just a lazy don't want to do nothing, freeloader looking for handouts from the government, no it's because I'm not those things I can't seem to get anything. I looked online to see how people qualify and this system makes it so hard for hard, honest, working people who go through unfortunate events. They'll help you though if you have a drug addiction, or in abject poverty, or an illegal alien in need of help. But for me who has a brain injury and did everything right - somehow I get it wrong.

I've tried to see if I can get disability like my wife but the wheels of government move so very s-l-o-w. I applied but I won't get considered for another 5 months since that's how backed up they are - at least that's what I was told at the SS office. I'm sure they will initially deny me as well. As for a settlement, that won't happen soon either since I won't be able to see a neurologist for my head injury until March and the accident occurred in September!

I'm not looking for handouts, but I'm at my wit's end. Shouldn't the government have some type of subsidy for people like me who fall through the cracks? Well, I guess I have to start selling my belongings on eBay again. Anyone would like to buy some classic Technics floor speakers in excellent condition?

I'll be laying down where I've fallen if you need or bother to find me. 😂😂😂

Weight...a minute!

Now with this new diet lifestyle, I've been able to lose weight steadily. Now we all love losing weight, but we hate the morning ritual that is the weight scale. Now, I don't know about you all, but I weigh myself in the morning to get the most accurate reading. After fasting for 16 hours my body is able to go through the processes it needs to assimilate those nutrients which allow the body to burn fat - all while I sleep!

So how do you go about weighing yourself in the morning? Without too many gory details I think it's best to do it after you go to the restroom and with the least clothing as possible, I mean you want to get good news, not bad! A good weigh in the morning is making sure you don't gain any. Do you accept the first weigh or do you weigh yourself multiple times to make sure it isn't a fluke? When you find you weigh less or the same it's always a good day, right? But when you don't what do you find as acceptable and what is an "Aww man, I don't get how that happened, my life is over with, I feel like going back to bed and the heck with this stuff I'm going to stuff my face now weigh!" Yeah, guys feel that way too - maybe just older guys - I'm just speaking for myself.

I feel if it's just a pound, cool beans. But if it's more, then my mind starts swirling like a worry vortex and I'm trying to understand what nefarious activity transpired to make me gain so much weight? Like did I eat too much-processed meats, junk food, sugar, drink too much alcohol (some people don't think that is possible - it's like can't drink enough), or sodas? Or is it just too much salt intake? Remember, I have fibro and candida, so sugars are not good for me. Please remember for me because I forget, haha. My mind does a bite by bite recall trying to see where I went wrong - or maybe it was obvious of not exercising today. But then I realize, I haven't been really exercising with this plan - so I guess it's my intake. So how do I counterbalance that by taking in less today or just make sure I WATCH what I eat?

Wives have a way of being a natural deterrent for things that we like to do but don't really give it any thought - that's what they're for - so they can tell us every 15 minutes so we make sure we get the point. Well, point well taken. It's not nagging but more of a persistent indicator. Filling your inbox (ears and brain) with constant email notifications (her constant reminders) of what we should NOT be eating. So, I weighed myself today and I was happy that I DIDN'T gain any weight. Of course, we want to make sure our joy is tempered since we don't want to be telling our wives of how much weight we're losing when they say they can't seem to lose the weight quick enough. So keep it to yourselves guys unless she asks, and if she does, please downplay it with a convincing vigor that will make her feel secure and at the same time praise you.

So, tomorrow I will do the same thing and hope I haven't gained anything so as not to lose hope of ever getting to my desired goal; to tie my shoes no matter what age I am.

When Temping is no longer temp

Temporary Agencies have changed the landscape of the work force. They started after World War II in 1947 with William Russell Kelly who founded Russell Kelly Office Service (later know as started Kelly Girl Services) in Detroit , with three employees, 12 customers and $848 in sales; today which is now known as Kelly Services. A year later, two lawyers, Aaron Scheinfeld and Elmer Winter, founded a similar outfit, Manpower Inc, in Milwaukee. By the way I give The NY Times credit for the above information in their article (The Rise of the Permanent Temp Economy) Apparently in the 80's this is where it really took off, but it really didn't have an impact on me back then.

As I remember the 80's you looked in the classified ads for work, call up the company, set an appointment and go in for a direct interview for the position. You would talk directly to the man or woman looking to hire you and go through the interview process and usually you'd get an answer within a day or so if you got the job or not. No middle man, no liaison, go between, or ever you want to call them - oh yeah they're called temporary agencies. Now they proliferate the work landscape and I understand why. Large Corporate America seems to love money more than a good employee. They can work you for a lower pay rate with no promise of nothing more than a weekly check and then thank you very much when your assignment is over. They don't have to worry about paying you for vacations, holidays, benefits, or match your 401K. 

Just a side note on this topic, but I noticed that in different states the agencies operated differently. In Texas, the state I'm from, the agencies would call you to come in and have you register with them. They would test your skills IE; typing speed and accuracy, your Office Suite knowledge, or Lotus for those that use it - and your filing skills among other things. After an interview of your past work history, where you see yourself in 5 years, what type of position and pay, you were set. They would call you and let you know about a job, what it entailed, the hours, pay, length of job (strictly temp, temp to hire, or direct hire) and you would say whether or not you wanted the position. If you did, then they'd tell you to meet so and so on Monday or whatever day they wanted you to start and that was it.

Since I moved to Pennsylvania the agency also does all that but then the company wants to ALSO go through the same interview process the agency does - which I find redundant, I don't know, am I the only one who feels this way? That's the job of the agency to do that, I mean, if you don't trust their skills - it IS what they do for a living - why in the world would you pay them all that money to vet a person to only go through the process again yourself? Again, doesn't that seem redundant? Either the person is going to work out or not; it's not like you have to keep them if they don't and all you have to do is call for another temp. I mean you can't find out what a person can do or what they're capable of just by talking to them again. You see how the perform - that's how you know if they are capable or not. Sorry just went off on a tangent. I'll get back to the main point.

So since moving to Pennsylvania I thought I would just be doing temporary work for maybe 6 months at the most and then find a permanent job and use my skills to move up the corporate ladder. But now it's been almost FOUR years and I'm still doing temporary work. It's really baffling since every job I've taken they always said they liked my work, was sad to seem me go, I was just a great worker, and blah, blah, blah, blah. That's what I was told by the company I was working for and by the agency. Yet, I'm still without a real job. Now what I want to know and please give me your input; is it just harder to find a job out here on the East Coast than it is in Texas?

I really thought temporary work was just that; temporary. Now I don't know what to think anymore - I'm not knocking temporary work - I like learning new things and meeting new people, but as a family man who is the only one able to work I need a job that can take care of me and my family. Being a temporary worker is stressful, not knowing if you're going to be extended and if not, when you'll get another assignment that is worthwhile. With the low pay and no benefits it's really hard to take some jobs since they just aren't worth the time and gas it takes to get there. Just recently I've had more people calling me for permanent jobs - though it's still through a temporary service, it's a step forward. I've had 3 interview in two weeks and probably another this Friday or Monday. Now, if I still don't get an offer out of these four I guess I'll forever be a temporary with no guarantee of anything - and that's not temporary.

Trying a NEW lifestyle

A lifestyle change is always challenging; and especially when you're dealing with autoimmune conditions. So, I've been dealing with fibromyalgia for about eleven years now and I also was diagnosed with candida for which I've dealt with now for six years.

For those who don't know about candida, it's a fungal growth that's in the gut flora that fights off infections and helps build up immunity in our bodies. The problem with me is there is an imbalance in my system, (often caused by various reasons), which makes the candida ineffective and therefore attacks the body instead of helping it.

Having candida you have problems such as brain fog, digestive issues, oral thrush, food allergies/intolerance, fugal infections with skin and toes, joint pain, low mood, and weakened immune system just to name a few. 

I went to a specialist about six years ago and she believes I developed fibromyalgia from a weakened immune system, which is caused by the candida.
Now how I got the candida was probably because of the high metals in my body which didn't allow for the nutrients I ate in my food to absorb in my gut which didn't allow to build my immune system which caused the candida, which caused the fibromyalgia.

Someone as myself with fibro and candida, maintaining a diet which is beneficial, yet satisfying and affordable is a very hard balancing act. When I had a well-paying job back in Houston, Texas it wasn't hard. I would buy the supplements to cleanse my organs and rid me of my candida and I also could afford the right kinds of food that would contribute to that healing as well. I lost 30 pounds in three months, my energy was great, I wasn't cramping nor spasming from the fibro as I usually do, and was able to think more clearly.

Well, fast forward to August 8, 2017, four years removed from Houston, Texas and in and out of jobs for the last four years here in small-town Pennsylvania and my health has been a real struggle. Not having the money to buy the things I need to help with my conditions has been a real test. Thankfully I have a smart and beautiful wife that has helped me in my trying to attain some normalcy in my life and still enjoy some of the foods I eat. She was a personal trainer for years and studied nutrition which in turn is helping me.

Basically, I have to rid myself of all food and liquids that contain ANY kind of sugar or sugar alcohol. That's a LOT of food left out of my diet. I can't say I'm always honest and so I succumb to eating an occasional sweet or drink (wine, beer, or distilled spirits) when I get a craving. The best way to avoid that is not to take in those things, but I love chocolate sooo much!

Well, three weeks ago my wife started me on this 16/8 diet which you have an eight-hour window to eat and afterward you fast for the next 16 hours. Now, I wouldn't recommend this without consulting a doctor first, especially those who have sugar or blood issue problems - I'm just describing my experience - this isn't for everyone - you have to have patience and will power to do this, and there are some initial side effects.

One, you will be cranky - yes, I mean who wouldn't be when you have a habit of eating whenever you want!? For me, that was the hardest adjustment. There will be detoxing since that's what the 16 hour fast is for, to cleanse your body and allow it to repair itself like it should; so some may experience constipation or the other thing  - no TMI here. Also, some people may experience nausea like I did the first week getting adjusted to eating so late or others may also experience dizziness and headaches. 

After the second week, I've adjusted a lot better; now you don't have to do this 7 days a week. Some people just do it during the week and take the weekend off or some just do it for 4 days a week. Me, I'm trying to do it all 7 days. It's not easy at times. I have gotten cravings during the late evening after 8pm and I'll just make me a cup of tea and sweeten it with stevia. The point of this is during the fast you don't want to intake any more calories so your body can do what it needs to. So NOTHING that contains calories is the goal here, or you defeat the purpose. For me, since I have the candida, my goal is NO sugars while I eat and definitely none during the fast, so I put Stevia in everything I want sweet. 

So far, I've lost 13 pounds in three weeks. So not bad, but I'm still adjusting to the schedule. I have cheated on the weekend, but only once. 

So if any of you reading this want to try a new way to lose weight and want your body to function better, or you're like me where this is a must having fibro and candida, I would say do some research, talk to your doctor and see if this is right for you. All I can say is it becomes easier the longer you do it and for those, without my condition you can still have your cake and eat it too  - literally.

Until next time I write - do the right thing and the right thing will happen. 

Cutting it close

Getting a haircut is a serious thing. I being from the old school like proper scissors cut and not to be outdone by women I take my haircuts seriously. After leaving Texas I was dreading finding a new person to cut my hair - since it can be an ordeal finding just the right person while enduring endless bad haircuts and looking like a young Jerry Lewis in the meantime - for those who don't know who he is Google him. Even in Texas, I went through 5 people until finding a person who truly knew how to CUT hair and do it consistently. Thankfully that person worked at the Supercuts in downtown Houston and did it for 7 years. After building up trust and a good rapport it was gut-wrenching not knowing who would be giving me my haircut in the near future. It's like going to your favorite restaurant and you find out the cook you've eaten from for 7 years just up and quit and the manager is trying to cook in the kitchen; mind you he has a BA in business but can't boil water. Well, most of the people tell me they have a cosmetology license but it doesn't mean they know HOW to cut hair.

Well after being here for two months the time had come for me to get a haircut. I had been asking my friends who they'd recommend, but I never really got a ringing endorsement. The one who could potentially be my "stylist' was a popular one with the kids. I was told she was always booked she had so much business but it was mostly kids' haircuts I didn't know if the endorsement came from mothers who tried to save money and leaving with kids that loved their fades or just fad haircuts.

Well, since I couldn't remember where she worked and I didn't have another week or two to wait I decided to go to another Supercuts relatively close by. Oh and for those who don't know; getting around in this part of Pennsylvania is measured by time, not by miles. So being it was only 20 minutes away was very good by local standards.

So I arrived a little before lunch and find there was only one person in the place - good thing it was empty and I was the only customer. The look on her face showed surprise - I guess they don't get too many lunchtime comers - in downtown Houston, it was a normal occurrence; in fact, that was the time it was most busy. So I asked her if she could give me a scissors haircut. She said yes and asked how I wanted it done. I guess there are different ways you can give a scissors haircut? I told her I got mine from a Zen Supercuts master haircutter and she had her work cut out for her. After asking me a series of questions I think she finally had an idea of what I wanted. Below is the end result. I certainly can live with it; what do you all think? By the way, my wife really liked it. I will go back again to make sure the first time wasn't a fluke. But if it is, then I will feel like David Carradine in Kung Fu (Google him too if you don't know), wandering in the proverbial desert thirsting to find the person who can give my hair follicles permanent relief.

The Soap Channel...

Nothing like the clean unadulterated feeling and calm relaxation as you lather in pure thoughts by watching the soap channel. Enjoy.